Why I told Al Jazeera to stuff it

Normally I give press interviews to just about anybody who asks - even Pravda and MSNBC. But when a pesky little guy from Al Jazeera kept trying to get me to talk to him, I drew the line. This week a producer from Osama bin Laden's favorite propaganda outlet called and emailed me at my office, and again at my magazine. I ignored him. He tracked down some of my friends and associates, some of whom frantically called me: "Al Jazeera wants to talk to you."

Something about Blackwater. Phinney heaped praise on an article I'd written about Blackwater's great work in Afghanistan. Wanted to put me on his terrorist TV show glorious satellite network. I ignored him some more. 

Yesterday he pestered my colleagues, as if they would badger me into talking to him. One of them sent me a note: "This obnoxious guy, David Phinney, called looking for you. Said he's from Al Jazeera English. Wants to interview you today. Asked if he was on a deadline and he said, 'Well, yeah. Right now.' I tried to get him to narrow it down to a specific timeframe, but he kept on telling me 'immediately.' He must have thought I was a secretary because he talked to me like I was an idiot."

Phinney made quite an impression. "Annoying," said one of my colleagues. "Assclown," proclaimed another; "traitorous infidel. You must call him immediately or else the fleas of a thousand camels will lodge in your armpit."

Phinney likes to pride himself as a journalistic professional. But his blog shows him to be a real kook. He appears to allege that a Republican computer technology consultant died mysteriously because he had evidence of GOP voter fraud. And his site is peppered with trashings of American troops. Like this item, from December 29, 2008, titled, "Asshole US Soldiers."

So this afternoon, as I entered my office, a very American-looking young guy was in the doorway, sent to stalk Phinney's elusive prey. He politely introduced himself, said he was so glad to see me, and identified himself as being one of Phinney's assistants. Would I consent to the interview?

No, I said. "Al Jazeera is a terrorist propaganda mill. You work for Osama bin Laden's favorite TV network."

"But we're with Al Jazeera English," Phinney's assistant said with earnest lameness. Oh, that Al Jazeera! "Have you seen us?"

"Al Jazeera is Al Jazeera," I said. "Al Jazeera is an enemy of the United States." I added that I was speaking to him professionally and not personally, and something to the effect that Al Jazeera should be treated as a military target. I don't do interviews with military targets.

I'd never heard of Phinney before, but got curious about how low Al Jazeera had to troll to catch Washington-based talent. Turns out that before whoring for terrorist television producing for Al Jazeera, Phinney worked for mainstream groups like CorpWatch.org, which praised Michael Moore's Fahrenheit 9/11 and likened the American war effort to a corrupt operation to benefit capitalist corporations.

Which is kind of funny, because Al Jazeera's emails contain this intimidating, very corporate-sounding disclaimer at the bottom: "Notice: This email is intended only for the use of the individual or entity named above and may contain information that is confidential and privileged. If you are not the intended recipient, you are hereby notified that any dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is strictly prohibited. Opinions, conclusions and other information in this message that do not relate to the official business of our firm shall be understood as neither given nor endorsed by it."

Get stuffed, Al Jazeera. Go crawl back into your Wahhabi hole and die an infidel's death.

Comments

[Matthew]

Awesome.

[David Phinney]

Wow. This blog item strikes me as a total misrepresentation of the events for reasons I am unaware of. I would be happy to discuss this at your convenience if you would like.

All the best,
David

[Adam C.]

Very intense, and quite hilarious. And Phinney left you a comment...awesome.

[Christopher]

I wish I had seen this before, but I am still going to make it go viral. This is one of the greatest stories I have ever read. Oh, and Phinney: GFY.

[USMC Jim]

Great post and funny as hell! BTW. Mr. Penis, er, I mean, Mr. Phinney has SANITIZED his blogs to remove the 29 December 2008 calling our military "Alpha Hotels".

To Mr. Phinney:

Echo Sierra Alpha Delta.
(Eat shit and die)